Blueberries

I went to the farmers market the other day. There were some women at the entrance taking produce donations for God's kitchen. So, my daughter and I made some selections for our family, and bought a few things for the charity. She went to put the donation in the basket as I finished up paying. As we walked back to the car, one of the ladies thanked me, and as I looked over the other one was reaching into the bag of blueberries and selecting on for herself. She caught my eye, and hid her blueberry.

At first I was mad. I made a special trip to the bank, to get cash to make a small donation, and she was eating it! But then I thought about how often I eat blueberries. Not literally (I actually don't like them much, gasp, I know) but figuratively. How often do I mean well, and end up being selfish and sinful along the way. How often I justify just this one blueberry.

I have been studying the holy spirit this summer. Last week I read the story about the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-30. He asks Jesus what is required of him to receive eternal life. Then he finds the answer to be a bit hard to swallow.

22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
 
The question from my study called Forgotten God by Francis Chan was: What do you think the he was expecting Jesus to say?

I have been mulling over this question, and thinking about how we want Jesus to require a neat, easy thing from us. 10% of our income seems so much more palatable then sell it all and give it all away! I somehow want God to use me, but only when it is easy and convenient.

I am very humbled by how far I am from where I should be. I want to give my time, but do so grudgingly. I want to give my money, but don't want to give up date nights and new clothes. I want to surrender it all to Christ, but I also want just one little blueberry from the world. Why is it so scary to me? I know in my head that the rewards out there are much greater than a new skirt. So what the heck is my problem.


Today, I guess I am just being real about how I am still on the this journey toward surrender. Not my will Lord, but Yours. One blueberry at a time.

Details, details

I had one of those really exciting days where I really heard the voice of God in my life. I have been praying a lot about something lately. Asking God to help me and give me wisdom and discernment. I kept bringing it to God and asking for an answer. In fact, as I looked at my journal from yesterday, I was pleading with God for a direct and audible answer.

In true God fashion, I did not actually hear anything, but yet he answered my prayer in an unexpected way. I was emailing a friend and asking her to pray for me as I deal with a certain challenge. As I walked away from the email, the holy spirit spoke. "Don't you believe that if I ask you to do something, I am going to take care of the details". (I don't know if quotes are in order for words from my holy spirit, but they felt that clear to me.)
It sure would be easier some times if when I opened my Bible it would say: Angel, you should do that ministry, Angel, this is what you should do next in this friendship, Angel, call this person they are lonely and in need. But then, God made me smarter than that. He knows I need to seek Him, and need Him and long for His truth in my life. He knows I need to struggle with questions in order to see that he is the only answer.

And wow, to be working with a God of details. It was such a refreshing release for me today. Instead of looking at what is ahead of me and saying, what about this and what about that, I am going to faithfully look at what is ahead and know that God is paving the way for me. He is preparing and working in lives all around me just as he is working in mine; to bring about His will. Just another reminder that it is not all about me. For today, I will not worry and be anxious, instead I will take His hand, and know that He hasn't missed any of the details.

Big

I got a really sweet gift today. It was this little figurine of a baby that looks just like my youngest when he was a baby. The differentiating feature that makes it look so much like my little man, and not just some other chubby cheeked child, is the ears. My little guy has big ears. When he was a baby, I just always thought he would grow into them. Now, people recognize him because of them. "Oh, is he the one with the ears?" Yup, that would be Tyler.

As a mom, you worry a bit about these kind of things. You don't want to see your baby get teased or hurt. You don't want them to have to overcome a physical feature that will set him apart and make him feel weird. But, yet you also know that your kids will face challenges no matter what. And, in the scheme of things, a pretty trivial matter.

But Tyler also has a big personality. For a little three foot person, he makes an entrance where ever he goes. He is truly a people person, loves to chat, and smiles most of the time. He is afraid of things he isn't familiar with, which is also pretty endearing a lot of the time. He makes friends and people love him. He is charming and charismatic. He is incredibly talkative, and a total ham. He loves to be the center of attention. I don't doubt for a moment that I will get some calls from his teachers. He is willing to go to extreme measures for a laugh from his siblings now, and I am sure that will translate to friends at school.

I know there will be some day when my little man will come home feeling blue because someone teased him about his big ears. But I also know that God didn't give my little man more than he could handle. He might have challenges, that will teach him compassion and humility. And obviously I know he will have more challenges than the size of his ears. But, I also know that God will provide

Spirit

I love having a relationship with the holy spirit, because I feel over time like he is actually making progress on me. It is so great to have themes that pop up in your life in so many ways, that you can't deny that God is speaking to you. It is amazing to hear a sermon that puts words to the burdens in your heart at the moment. For me, there is no denying that it is God talking into my life. My current theme has been about my desire for significance. How often, I try to take the things that God is doing, and make them all about me, or at very least bend into my life.

God is so much bigger than I could ever bend. Lets face it, I can't even get my hands around him. I am coming to a greater place of insignificance in the world, and with it a great joy in my soul. God's presence is so near, and so comforting. I think this is the joy I have been studying and it is so different than feeling happy. I feel full, satisfied, and peaceful about it.

Thank you God, for being so much more than I can imagine. Thank you for loving me enough to keep whispering in my ear and patient enough to not get frustrated that you have to repeat yourself time and time again. It is starting to sink in. Staring to become more the norm for me.

The thing that draws me back from dwelling in the place, is the realization of how horrid I am. How not worthy I am of what God is. The closer I get to this place of surrender to Christ, the more I see the ugliness of my sin and how frequently it happens. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel fear or condemnation, but what I feel is humility from deep within.

I would like to imagine that the longer I live a life of surrender, the less I will sin. I think that might be making it all about me again. God isn't looking for me to eventually be perfect. He just wants me to put my pride aside and be with him. He wants me to run to him with reckless abandon.


Movements -- Rend Collective Experiement
I wanna soar with you, upon wings like eagles.
But I'll grow with you too, when the dark and lonely questions come.

I wanna stand true, no matter what 's new or comes through.
I cannot stand still, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.

I wanna flow with you, the currents driving me.
But I'll paddle hard too, when the waves and rapids overcome.

I wanna stand firm, when my minds weak and my emotions fail.
I wanna stand true, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I won't walk away. Won't walk away.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home.

Sophisticated

My creative daughter tries to invent a new outfit everyday. Usually, it consists of the combining the most frilly things together, to be as spectacular as possible. However, each day she is becoming more aware that if she doesn't dress within the appropriate parameters such as considering the weather and formality of the occasion, then she will likely get sent back to change. This morning she came into my room dressed in a floral skirt, with jeans underneath and a miss-matched t-shirt with sparkles. Also, when I asked her to brush her hair, she put it in a "bun" and put every blue clip she owns in her hair. I hope you can picture my little glamorous ragamuffin.

There are certainly days that I would have sent her back to change, and fixed her hair, but today I decided to let it go. She and I had to go to the pediatrician. Since we had a Dr appointment, my mother-in-law graciously offered to take my boys to the park. Ellie was definitely getting the raw end of the deal.

So off we went, to the doctor, and she smiled and chatted to me the whole way. The appointment was for her asthma, which has been a little worse lately. The doctor wanted to do some tests to see how her airways are on a good day. Basically, her asthma is worse than we thought, and probably affecting her daily.

And there she was, in all her unique ways, just being her. Talking to the Dr and nurse and playing with her little toys. And joyful. This little girl who has been plagued with asthma and allergies her whole life. This sweet girl who has never tasted homemade bread, or a grilled cheese sandwich. This girl, who can't do cartwheels in the grass without needing a shower. This girl who wheezes when she runs, is so joyful.

I know it could be worse, and I really am not having a case of the "poor me's" over here. Really, I am just amazed that she isn't. She inspires me with her maturity and grace with which she takes on these challenges. Food allergies and now asthma is something that is there everyday, all the time. But, she shows me how to take it in stride and reminds me that character is what really matters. Today I was so proud of my little girl. She was dressed silly, but she shined with sophistication.

Accomplishments

I love watching my children learn new things. I took pictures when they rolled over, and scrapbooked those first steps. Lately my oldest is conquering riding her bike and learning to read. My 4 year is learning to buckle his own seatbelt and be more responsible for his things. My little guy is potty training. I even found myself sneaking into his room last night to take pictures of him sleeping in a big boy bed for the first time.

So many of these things that my kids learn, is part of a process. For Ellie, she didn't just take the training wheels off her bike and take off down the street. (Yes, I know that is how it works for some of your kids, but not mine.) She has tried and tried, and practiced, and cried, and fallen down in her process to achieving the "I can ride a two wheeler" status.

As a parent, I say a lot of 'you can do it's and a wipe many a tears, including a few of my own, as they process through these accomplishments. And sometimes it is hard to watch your children fail, or be frustrated with a task that you know they need to learn. But, you also get to celebrate with them, you get to remember it, and remind them of the challenges. You get to take pictures of those big moments, when it all clicks and their hard work of learning something new pays off. And, you enjoy the benefits of a kid who can put his own shoes on, or buckle his own belt, or ride her own bike.

This got me to thinking about what I am learning. The longer I am a Christian, the more I know that I will be learning to be better, until the day I die. The things I am learning are a process too. And all too often, we don’t see the moment where we mastered something. I don't have a date when I stopped worrying, or when I became disciplined, or when I achieved patience (let's face it, I am still working on that one.)

The wonderful part is that my Heavenly Father is keeping track of my milestones. He will be able to show me my scrapbook with moments of accomplishments. That is, if I keep doing the hard work that it is to learn something new. He will keep pushing me to learn the new thing. Not to give up on myself when I just feel like I will always be impatient or selfish. He will continue to put me in situations to help me learn. And until I get it, he will keep wiping my tears, and telling me I can do it!

Status Updates

So, I have a facebook friend that really is an encouragement to me in my walk with Christ. Honestly, he is someone I hardly know. Before you all start thinking I am having an inappropriate relationship, I assure you I am not. I haven't communicated with him since college, and even then we maybe had a few classes together, have barely said more than hello to each other, ever. Basically what I am saying, is all I really know about this guy is what comes through on my news feed.

This friend, exemplifies a life surrendered to Christ in status updates. He doesn't preach, he doesn't quote scripture, he simply gives snippets of his life. I can see that he loves God and makes time for him and is obedient to him. I can see that he loves his wife, honors and respects her and makes time for her. I can see that he loves his kids, plays with them, encourages them and shares his life with them. I can see that he serves others in his church. I can see that he has joy in the journey.

I was encouraged by the fact that I could see Christ's love in someone I don't know. Perhaps the way I live my life, might be an example to someone else? This question compels me to keep putting myself out there. To keep trying to represent Christ at church, in the grocery store with three kids, or even on facebook.

Matthew 5:16 "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."