When I write the title, I am flooded with memories of my sweet Nazarene church that knew how to rock out some serious old hymns. But today I am feeling triumphant and have to give God the glory. I cannot keep it in.
Anxiety and worry have always been part of my life. From the time I was a little girl, I have been a worry wart. I have this memory of a specific time when I worried (and drove my parents rightfully crazy) because I had lost my new pack of markers. I literally would not go to sleep until they were found. Markers, really? As I got older, I worried about my relationships, and my future. Graduating from college without a ring on my finger consumed me with anxiety.
However, over the past few years, I have found freedom from this. And frankly, I am sleeping so much better now. I am not going to take any credit here. The only cure I have found, is spending time with God. During that time, He has healed my anxious heart, and filled me with trust in Him. He has never let me down.
Sunday, our pastor talked about anxiety and worry, and how it is out of place in the life of a follower or apprentice of Jesus. It reminded me of how far I have come in this particular area of my life. I am sure I will have setbacks over the years to come. I am sure there will be things, that might just pull me back into my old ways. But, I sat in church this week, so full of blessing, that God would work so directly in me.
We will be doing a whole serious on the sermon on the mount and apprenticeship to Jesus, for which I am so excited. I am keenly aware that despite this victory, I still have a lot of stuff, that God wants to work on in me. I am celebrating this victory, yet am also becoming aware of other areas that I need to bring to Him, and allow him to mold.
This month, the theme of my devotional has been trust. I am reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, which takes the voice of Jesus and is full of love, hope, depth and nurturing. Yesterday it said "If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
So often, I forget to give God the glory when he comes through for me. So, I am going to practice thankful prayers. So, thank you God for filling my anxious heart with your faithful love!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Christmas Scents
The Christmas season seems to get started with the smell of turkey. One of the greatest blessings of being the host of Thanksgiving dinner is that the aroma seem to travel to every corner of the house. Those smells are so rich in comfort and satisfaction. Throughout the holiday season, there are many smells that seem to be part of Christmas. My kids even have a scratch and sniff Christmas book. Our noses seem to love the anticipation of the holiday, cookies baking, wassail on the stovetop, peppermint candy canes, a fire in the fireplace and of course the fresh pine tree in our family rooms.
One time, a few years ago I walked into a Yankee candle store and was looking for a candle of a specific color to match my room. The salesclerk said to me with an air of pious, "we are a fragrance store, not a décor shop". So, I wanted to see what this "fragrance store" thought that Christmas should smell like. I found things like Hearthside, Balsam and Fir, Christmas Cookie, Mountain Pine, and Peppermint swirls.
I love these aromas, and they really do add to my love of this season. But, today I got a little perspective about the true scents of Christmas. I went to a barn, on a preschool fieldtrip. We pet bunnies and kitties. We said hello to some goats, and enjoyed seeing the sheep's full winter coat. But the reason we went was to see a live nativity. As I stood there, watching my little guys get up close to see baby Jesus, and listen to the music playing, I got a little emotional. The shepherds came and bowed in front of King Jesus, it really was beautiful.
It struck me that Christmas with cookies and peppermint and pine is kind of a cover. The true Christmas smelled like manure and hay and earth. There was such humility in that scene. I am amazed anew today that the King of the World, came to save me, as a vulnerable baby, in a barn!
Though I promise I won't be burning stinky candles when my family comes for Christmas Eve. I will, however keep the scents of the stable alive in my heart as I celebrate the season.
One time, a few years ago I walked into a Yankee candle store and was looking for a candle of a specific color to match my room. The salesclerk said to me with an air of pious, "we are a fragrance store, not a décor shop". So, I wanted to see what this "fragrance store" thought that Christmas should smell like. I found things like Hearthside, Balsam and Fir, Christmas Cookie, Mountain Pine, and Peppermint swirls.
I love these aromas, and they really do add to my love of this season. But, today I got a little perspective about the true scents of Christmas. I went to a barn, on a preschool fieldtrip. We pet bunnies and kitties. We said hello to some goats, and enjoyed seeing the sheep's full winter coat. But the reason we went was to see a live nativity. As I stood there, watching my little guys get up close to see baby Jesus, and listen to the music playing, I got a little emotional. The shepherds came and bowed in front of King Jesus, it really was beautiful.
It struck me that Christmas with cookies and peppermint and pine is kind of a cover. The true Christmas smelled like manure and hay and earth. There was such humility in that scene. I am amazed anew today that the King of the World, came to save me, as a vulnerable baby, in a barn!
Though I promise I won't be burning stinky candles when my family comes for Christmas Eve. I will, however keep the scents of the stable alive in my heart as I celebrate the season.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Hard Work
My older sister is like my parenting mentor. She is a great, purposeful mom, whose children are a few steps older than mine, so she stays ahead of me with advice. Oh, and her kids are fantastic and so well behaved and have so many traits that I want to see in my own kids. Whenever I spend time with my sister, I find myself motivated to be more meaningful in my mothering. During my recent visit with her she was talking about how, whenever her children need an attitude adjustment, she cures it with hard work. Her kids are all beyond the ages of spankings or time outs, and she has found that making them do a bunch of chores seems to help put things into proper perspective for them.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to put this theory to work, pun intended. I was taking my boys to Target to get the things for our Operation Christmas Child boxes. This is something our family has done for a number of years. We buy toys and essentials for children in foreign lands who wouldn't otherwise get Christmas gifts. This seems like a great opportunity to me to open my kids eyes to the fact that we are completely blessed with things, and family and that not everyone has such reasons to be grateful. My daughter is a thoughtful compassionate little girl, and this has traditionally been a fun little time with her, to pick out things and think of others. Well, she was away at school, and I thought I could do this with my boys.
They really wanted nothing to do with picking out gifts for others. Instead, they wrestled and squirreled around in the cart, threw tantrums when I wouldn't buy things for them, and pointed out item after item that they would like to receive for Christmas. I was dismayed. But then to top it off, as I was finishing up at the checkout they were laughing and pointing at people and saying "he has a bad face, oh there is another bad face."
At this point I was furious, and told them so. As we drove home with the doom of impending punishment in the air, both boys fell asleep. (This must come from the same skill set that husbands have that enables them to fall asleep during an argument.) Well as they slept I was able to gain a little perspective. First, yes I was reminded that they are 3 and 4 years old, and I was expecting a lot. Second, I was also reminded that they were clearly tired, and perhaps I that has some reflection on their behavior. Third, I remembered what my sister had said about hard work and so when they woke up, I had a plan.
Brandon had recently done a creation book at his preschool and learned how God created the world. We talked about how God worked for 6 days and rested just one. I told him that God designed us to work and that he had been getting away with to much play and not enough work. So, they had to do 6 jobs before they could play. The boys, put laundry away, carried a bunch of things down stairs, cleaned up the basement, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, even vacuumed the van. All supervised of course. It definitely worked, they both had better attitudes. The sweetest part was a bedtime prayers when Brandon ask God for forgiveness for his behavior at Target.
I sometimes struggle to make selfless choices with my time. I like facebook, and dinner out and even going to the gym. I like watching tv and reading the occasional book and yes, I like to go to Target. These things may be permissible, but they are not always beneficial. I need to keep that balance that God ordained which is 6 days of work, to 1 day of rest.
I feel a little pathetic realizing that the same principal applies to me. There are many times in my life that I also need to be put to work, to gain a little perspective. I am still a child of God. I love to live in a clean house, but even more than that, I like the process of cleaning. While I am at work purging and purifying my home God is often at work purging and purifying my heart. So, if I am grouchy and critical and self absorbed, I am realizing I need to get off my duff and get to work. A clean house plus a clean heart seems like a win-win situation for my family.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to put this theory to work, pun intended. I was taking my boys to Target to get the things for our Operation Christmas Child boxes. This is something our family has done for a number of years. We buy toys and essentials for children in foreign lands who wouldn't otherwise get Christmas gifts. This seems like a great opportunity to me to open my kids eyes to the fact that we are completely blessed with things, and family and that not everyone has such reasons to be grateful. My daughter is a thoughtful compassionate little girl, and this has traditionally been a fun little time with her, to pick out things and think of others. Well, she was away at school, and I thought I could do this with my boys.
They really wanted nothing to do with picking out gifts for others. Instead, they wrestled and squirreled around in the cart, threw tantrums when I wouldn't buy things for them, and pointed out item after item that they would like to receive for Christmas. I was dismayed. But then to top it off, as I was finishing up at the checkout they were laughing and pointing at people and saying "he has a bad face, oh there is another bad face."
At this point I was furious, and told them so. As we drove home with the doom of impending punishment in the air, both boys fell asleep. (This must come from the same skill set that husbands have that enables them to fall asleep during an argument.) Well as they slept I was able to gain a little perspective. First, yes I was reminded that they are 3 and 4 years old, and I was expecting a lot. Second, I was also reminded that they were clearly tired, and perhaps I that has some reflection on their behavior. Third, I remembered what my sister had said about hard work and so when they woke up, I had a plan.
Brandon had recently done a creation book at his preschool and learned how God created the world. We talked about how God worked for 6 days and rested just one. I told him that God designed us to work and that he had been getting away with to much play and not enough work. So, they had to do 6 jobs before they could play. The boys, put laundry away, carried a bunch of things down stairs, cleaned up the basement, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, even vacuumed the van. All supervised of course. It definitely worked, they both had better attitudes. The sweetest part was a bedtime prayers when Brandon ask God for forgiveness for his behavior at Target.
I sometimes struggle to make selfless choices with my time. I like facebook, and dinner out and even going to the gym. I like watching tv and reading the occasional book and yes, I like to go to Target. These things may be permissible, but they are not always beneficial. I need to keep that balance that God ordained which is 6 days of work, to 1 day of rest.
I feel a little pathetic realizing that the same principal applies to me. There are many times in my life that I also need to be put to work, to gain a little perspective. I am still a child of God. I love to live in a clean house, but even more than that, I like the process of cleaning. While I am at work purging and purifying my home God is often at work purging and purifying my heart. So, if I am grouchy and critical and self absorbed, I am realizing I need to get off my duff and get to work. A clean house plus a clean heart seems like a win-win situation for my family.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Blueberries
I went to the farmers market the other day. There were some women at the entrance taking produce donations for God's kitchen. So, my daughter and I made some selections for our family, and bought a few things for the charity. She went to put the donation in the basket as I finished up paying. As we walked back to the car, one of the ladies thanked me, and as I looked over the other one was reaching into the bag of blueberries and selecting on for herself. She caught my eye, and hid her blueberry.
At first I was mad. I made a special trip to the bank, to get cash to make a small donation, and she was eating it! But then I thought about how often I eat blueberries. Not literally (I actually don't like them much, gasp, I know) but figuratively. How often do I mean well, and end up being selfish and sinful along the way. How often I justify just this one blueberry.
I have been studying the holy spirit this summer. Last week I read the story about the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-30. He asks Jesus what is required of him to receive eternal life. Then he finds the answer to be a bit hard to swallow.
22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
The question from my study called Forgotten God by Francis Chan was: What do you think the he was expecting Jesus to say?
I have been mulling over this question, and thinking about how we want Jesus to require a neat, easy thing from us. 10% of our income seems so much more palatable then sell it all and give it all away! I somehow want God to use me, but only when it is easy and convenient.
I am very humbled by how far I am from where I should be. I want to give my time, but do so grudgingly. I want to give my money, but don't want to give up date nights and new clothes. I want to surrender it all to Christ, but I also want just one little blueberry from the world. Why is it so scary to me? I know in my head that the rewards out there are much greater than a new skirt. So what the heck is my problem.
Today, I guess I am just being real about how I am still on the this journey toward surrender. Not my will Lord, but Yours. One blueberry at a time.
At first I was mad. I made a special trip to the bank, to get cash to make a small donation, and she was eating it! But then I thought about how often I eat blueberries. Not literally (I actually don't like them much, gasp, I know) but figuratively. How often do I mean well, and end up being selfish and sinful along the way. How often I justify just this one blueberry.
I have been studying the holy spirit this summer. Last week I read the story about the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-30. He asks Jesus what is required of him to receive eternal life. Then he finds the answer to be a bit hard to swallow.
22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
The question from my study called Forgotten God by Francis Chan was: What do you think the he was expecting Jesus to say?
I have been mulling over this question, and thinking about how we want Jesus to require a neat, easy thing from us. 10% of our income seems so much more palatable then sell it all and give it all away! I somehow want God to use me, but only when it is easy and convenient.
I am very humbled by how far I am from where I should be. I want to give my time, but do so grudgingly. I want to give my money, but don't want to give up date nights and new clothes. I want to surrender it all to Christ, but I also want just one little blueberry from the world. Why is it so scary to me? I know in my head that the rewards out there are much greater than a new skirt. So what the heck is my problem.
Today, I guess I am just being real about how I am still on the this journey toward surrender. Not my will Lord, but Yours. One blueberry at a time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Details, details
I had one of those really exciting days where I really heard the voice of God in my life. I have been praying a lot about something lately. Asking God to help me and give me wisdom and discernment. I kept bringing it to God and asking for an answer. In fact, as I looked at my journal from yesterday, I was pleading with God for a direct and audible answer.
In true God fashion, I did not actually hear anything, but yet he answered my prayer in an unexpected way. I was emailing a friend and asking her to pray for me as I deal with a certain challenge. As I walked away from the email, the holy spirit spoke. "Don't you believe that if I ask you to do something, I am going to take care of the details". (I don't know if quotes are in order for words from my holy spirit, but they felt that clear to me.)
It sure would be easier some times if when I opened my Bible it would say: Angel, you should do that ministry, Angel, this is what you should do next in this friendship, Angel, call this person they are lonely and in need. But then, God made me smarter than that. He knows I need to seek Him, and need Him and long for His truth in my life. He knows I need to struggle with questions in order to see that he is the only answer.
And wow, to be working with a God of details. It was such a refreshing release for me today. Instead of looking at what is ahead of me and saying, what about this and what about that, I am going to faithfully look at what is ahead and know that God is paving the way for me. He is preparing and working in lives all around me just as he is working in mine; to bring about His will. Just another reminder that it is not all about me. For today, I will not worry and be anxious, instead I will take His hand, and know that He hasn't missed any of the details.
In true God fashion, I did not actually hear anything, but yet he answered my prayer in an unexpected way. I was emailing a friend and asking her to pray for me as I deal with a certain challenge. As I walked away from the email, the holy spirit spoke. "Don't you believe that if I ask you to do something, I am going to take care of the details". (I don't know if quotes are in order for words from my holy spirit, but they felt that clear to me.)
It sure would be easier some times if when I opened my Bible it would say: Angel, you should do that ministry, Angel, this is what you should do next in this friendship, Angel, call this person they are lonely and in need. But then, God made me smarter than that. He knows I need to seek Him, and need Him and long for His truth in my life. He knows I need to struggle with questions in order to see that he is the only answer.
And wow, to be working with a God of details. It was such a refreshing release for me today. Instead of looking at what is ahead of me and saying, what about this and what about that, I am going to faithfully look at what is ahead and know that God is paving the way for me. He is preparing and working in lives all around me just as he is working in mine; to bring about His will. Just another reminder that it is not all about me. For today, I will not worry and be anxious, instead I will take His hand, and know that He hasn't missed any of the details.
Big
I got a really sweet gift today. It was this little figurine of a baby that looks just like my youngest when he was a baby. The differentiating feature that makes it look so much like my little man, and not just some other chubby cheeked child, is the ears. My little guy has big ears. When he was a baby, I just always thought he would grow into them. Now, people recognize him because of them. "Oh, is he the one with the ears?" Yup, that would be Tyler.
As a mom, you worry a bit about these kind of things. You don't want to see your baby get teased or hurt. You don't want them to have to overcome a physical feature that will set him apart and make him feel weird. But, yet you also know that your kids will face challenges no matter what. And, in the scheme of things, a pretty trivial matter.
But Tyler also has a big personality. For a little three foot person, he makes an entrance where ever he goes. He is truly a people person, loves to chat, and smiles most of the time. He is afraid of things he isn't familiar with, which is also pretty endearing a lot of the time. He makes friends and people love him. He is charming and charismatic. He is incredibly talkative, and a total ham. He loves to be the center of attention. I don't doubt for a moment that I will get some calls from his teachers. He is willing to go to extreme measures for a laugh from his siblings now, and I am sure that will translate to friends at school.
I know there will be some day when my little man will come home feeling blue because someone teased him about his big ears. But I also know that God didn't give my little man more than he could handle. He might have challenges, that will teach him compassion and humility. And obviously I know he will have more challenges than the size of his ears. But, I also know that God will provide
As a mom, you worry a bit about these kind of things. You don't want to see your baby get teased or hurt. You don't want them to have to overcome a physical feature that will set him apart and make him feel weird. But, yet you also know that your kids will face challenges no matter what. And, in the scheme of things, a pretty trivial matter.
But Tyler also has a big personality. For a little three foot person, he makes an entrance where ever he goes. He is truly a people person, loves to chat, and smiles most of the time. He is afraid of things he isn't familiar with, which is also pretty endearing a lot of the time. He makes friends and people love him. He is charming and charismatic. He is incredibly talkative, and a total ham. He loves to be the center of attention. I don't doubt for a moment that I will get some calls from his teachers. He is willing to go to extreme measures for a laugh from his siblings now, and I am sure that will translate to friends at school.
I know there will be some day when my little man will come home feeling blue because someone teased him about his big ears. But I also know that God didn't give my little man more than he could handle. He might have challenges, that will teach him compassion and humility. And obviously I know he will have more challenges than the size of his ears. But, I also know that God will provide
Spirit
I love having a relationship with the holy spirit, because I feel over time like he is actually making progress on me. It is so great to have themes that pop up in your life in so many ways, that you can't deny that God is speaking to you. It is amazing to hear a sermon that puts words to the burdens in your heart at the moment. For me, there is no denying that it is God talking into my life. My current theme has been about my desire for significance. How often, I try to take the things that God is doing, and make them all about me, or at very least bend into my life.
God is so much bigger than I could ever bend. Lets face it, I can't even get my hands around him. I am coming to a greater place of insignificance in the world, and with it a great joy in my soul. God's presence is so near, and so comforting. I think this is the joy I have been studying and it is so different than feeling happy. I feel full, satisfied, and peaceful about it.
Thank you God, for being so much more than I can imagine. Thank you for loving me enough to keep whispering in my ear and patient enough to not get frustrated that you have to repeat yourself time and time again. It is starting to sink in. Staring to become more the norm for me.
The thing that draws me back from dwelling in the place, is the realization of how horrid I am. How not worthy I am of what God is. The closer I get to this place of surrender to Christ, the more I see the ugliness of my sin and how frequently it happens. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel fear or condemnation, but what I feel is humility from deep within.
I would like to imagine that the longer I live a life of surrender, the less I will sin. I think that might be making it all about me again. God isn't looking for me to eventually be perfect. He just wants me to put my pride aside and be with him. He wants me to run to him with reckless abandon.
Movements -- Rend Collective Experiement
I wanna soar with you, upon wings like eagles.
But I'll grow with you too, when the dark and lonely questions come.
I wanna stand true, no matter what 's new or comes through.
I cannot stand still, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I wanna flow with you, the currents driving me.
But I'll paddle hard too, when the waves and rapids overcome.
I wanna stand firm, when my minds weak and my emotions fail.
I wanna stand true, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I won't walk away. Won't walk away.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home.
God is so much bigger than I could ever bend. Lets face it, I can't even get my hands around him. I am coming to a greater place of insignificance in the world, and with it a great joy in my soul. God's presence is so near, and so comforting. I think this is the joy I have been studying and it is so different than feeling happy. I feel full, satisfied, and peaceful about it.
Thank you God, for being so much more than I can imagine. Thank you for loving me enough to keep whispering in my ear and patient enough to not get frustrated that you have to repeat yourself time and time again. It is starting to sink in. Staring to become more the norm for me.
The thing that draws me back from dwelling in the place, is the realization of how horrid I am. How not worthy I am of what God is. The closer I get to this place of surrender to Christ, the more I see the ugliness of my sin and how frequently it happens. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel fear or condemnation, but what I feel is humility from deep within.
I would like to imagine that the longer I live a life of surrender, the less I will sin. I think that might be making it all about me again. God isn't looking for me to eventually be perfect. He just wants me to put my pride aside and be with him. He wants me to run to him with reckless abandon.
Movements -- Rend Collective Experiement
I wanna soar with you, upon wings like eagles.
But I'll grow with you too, when the dark and lonely questions come.
I wanna stand true, no matter what 's new or comes through.
I cannot stand still, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I wanna flow with you, the currents driving me.
But I'll paddle hard too, when the waves and rapids overcome.
I wanna stand firm, when my minds weak and my emotions fail.
I wanna stand true, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I won't walk away. Won't walk away.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home.
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