Details, details

I had one of those really exciting days where I really heard the voice of God in my life. I have been praying a lot about something lately. Asking God to help me and give me wisdom and discernment. I kept bringing it to God and asking for an answer. In fact, as I looked at my journal from yesterday, I was pleading with God for a direct and audible answer.

In true God fashion, I did not actually hear anything, but yet he answered my prayer in an unexpected way. I was emailing a friend and asking her to pray for me as I deal with a certain challenge. As I walked away from the email, the holy spirit spoke. "Don't you believe that if I ask you to do something, I am going to take care of the details". (I don't know if quotes are in order for words from my holy spirit, but they felt that clear to me.)
It sure would be easier some times if when I opened my Bible it would say: Angel, you should do that ministry, Angel, this is what you should do next in this friendship, Angel, call this person they are lonely and in need. But then, God made me smarter than that. He knows I need to seek Him, and need Him and long for His truth in my life. He knows I need to struggle with questions in order to see that he is the only answer.

And wow, to be working with a God of details. It was such a refreshing release for me today. Instead of looking at what is ahead of me and saying, what about this and what about that, I am going to faithfully look at what is ahead and know that God is paving the way for me. He is preparing and working in lives all around me just as he is working in mine; to bring about His will. Just another reminder that it is not all about me. For today, I will not worry and be anxious, instead I will take His hand, and know that He hasn't missed any of the details.

Big

I got a really sweet gift today. It was this little figurine of a baby that looks just like my youngest when he was a baby. The differentiating feature that makes it look so much like my little man, and not just some other chubby cheeked child, is the ears. My little guy has big ears. When he was a baby, I just always thought he would grow into them. Now, people recognize him because of them. "Oh, is he the one with the ears?" Yup, that would be Tyler.

As a mom, you worry a bit about these kind of things. You don't want to see your baby get teased or hurt. You don't want them to have to overcome a physical feature that will set him apart and make him feel weird. But, yet you also know that your kids will face challenges no matter what. And, in the scheme of things, a pretty trivial matter.

But Tyler also has a big personality. For a little three foot person, he makes an entrance where ever he goes. He is truly a people person, loves to chat, and smiles most of the time. He is afraid of things he isn't familiar with, which is also pretty endearing a lot of the time. He makes friends and people love him. He is charming and charismatic. He is incredibly talkative, and a total ham. He loves to be the center of attention. I don't doubt for a moment that I will get some calls from his teachers. He is willing to go to extreme measures for a laugh from his siblings now, and I am sure that will translate to friends at school.

I know there will be some day when my little man will come home feeling blue because someone teased him about his big ears. But I also know that God didn't give my little man more than he could handle. He might have challenges, that will teach him compassion and humility. And obviously I know he will have more challenges than the size of his ears. But, I also know that God will provide

Spirit

I love having a relationship with the holy spirit, because I feel over time like he is actually making progress on me. It is so great to have themes that pop up in your life in so many ways, that you can't deny that God is speaking to you. It is amazing to hear a sermon that puts words to the burdens in your heart at the moment. For me, there is no denying that it is God talking into my life. My current theme has been about my desire for significance. How often, I try to take the things that God is doing, and make them all about me, or at very least bend into my life.

God is so much bigger than I could ever bend. Lets face it, I can't even get my hands around him. I am coming to a greater place of insignificance in the world, and with it a great joy in my soul. God's presence is so near, and so comforting. I think this is the joy I have been studying and it is so different than feeling happy. I feel full, satisfied, and peaceful about it.

Thank you God, for being so much more than I can imagine. Thank you for loving me enough to keep whispering in my ear and patient enough to not get frustrated that you have to repeat yourself time and time again. It is starting to sink in. Staring to become more the norm for me.

The thing that draws me back from dwelling in the place, is the realization of how horrid I am. How not worthy I am of what God is. The closer I get to this place of surrender to Christ, the more I see the ugliness of my sin and how frequently it happens. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel fear or condemnation, but what I feel is humility from deep within.

I would like to imagine that the longer I live a life of surrender, the less I will sin. I think that might be making it all about me again. God isn't looking for me to eventually be perfect. He just wants me to put my pride aside and be with him. He wants me to run to him with reckless abandon.


Movements -- Rend Collective Experiement
I wanna soar with you, upon wings like eagles.
But I'll grow with you too, when the dark and lonely questions come.

I wanna stand true, no matter what 's new or comes through.
I cannot stand still, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.

I wanna flow with you, the currents driving me.
But I'll paddle hard too, when the waves and rapids overcome.

I wanna stand firm, when my minds weak and my emotions fail.
I wanna stand true, whatever hits, I keep making movements to you.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home, where I want to be.
Come move in me. Where I want to be, come move in me.
I won't walk away. Won't walk away.

I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are the movement and fight in me.
I'm running fast and free to you, cause you are my home.